The day my life changed...

One year ago today I lost my mother and the first year without her has been tough to say the least.  There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about her, talked about her, talked to her, or wished I could have just one more hug from her. 

The hardest part about the first year was the kids, they have grown and changed so much.  Jax was only 8 months old when she passed and Raigan was Nana's princess.  Raigan won the humanitarian award at school and all I could think about was how proud my mom would have been for her, she would have been her number one cheerleader.  Jax, well he has changed a lot and is just coming into my moms favorite age the terrific twos. 

This last year I have tried everyday to focus on my mothers life.  I continue to teach my babies how she loved and was so kind, we constantly talk about Nana memories.  No matter what I do or say I always feel the hole.  The hole I feel hurts and it really does feel like a piece of me is missing. 

The first year sucks, I went through the motions of life but never really felt in the moment.  We had our first birthdays without my mom, holidays, anniversaries, and here we are left with this day, the one year anniversary of her death. 

Today we woke up early and we drove to Camano Island a place that my mother loved to spend time with family and friends, treasure hunting on the beach.  We spread her ashes on this one year anniversary and wrote messages on balloons.  We cried, we laughed and as I wind my day down I am in the same exact place I was a year ago...

So much all at once...

So much has happened in the last 9 months I can't say for sure if I have had time to truly focus on living.  I constantly feel like I am just moving day to day trying to get through.  I often find myself in moments of thought that just make no sense. I think a lot of the time I am in disbelief about all that we have lost all that people around me that are now just memories. It has been a long 9 months of loss.  

It started really when i lost my grandfather almost 2 years ago of course while he was dying my mother was fighting for her life and a little over a year after my grandfather died my mother would lose her fight with Cancer. Shortly after my mothers passing a long time family friend passed then a month after my mother my grandmother died followed by another friend and then my Uncle.  

If all these losses weren't enough my best friends father passed away unexpectedly and suddenly of a undetected heart condition. A week later another friend of mine lost her father to health complications.  All this loss at such young ages does make me wonder what the hell is going on with our parents generation.   I have heard of and know more people my age that have lost parents. While my parents were planning to take care of their elderly parents my generation is just hoping to have elderly parents.  

It is such a frustrating future, I had my grandparents until i was in my thirties, my daughter has fond memories of her great grandparents but my son will never remember his grandmother or beyond. This is sad reality that I never imagined.  I assumed they would have the same type of memories I have.  

All the firsts...

I have not written in a while and not because I don't have plenty on my mind.  We have been through our first Christmas without my mother and celebrated what would have been her 61st birthday.  I  started a tradition by celebrating her birthday that I hope we keep up. We all had a nice dinner my daughter and I made cupcakes and I bought balloons to write messages on and we sent those up to Nana. 

I can't say the new normal is easy its just day to day.  We start new traditions, change old traditions and keep my mother alive through conversations about her daily. My son (16 months old)  knows who Nana is by picture and kisses her.  Every time we ask him where Nana is he looks for her picture with a huge grin on his face.  Some day he will know how much she loved him.