The holidays came and gone, nothing special and really didn't feel much like the holidays. They were sad and you could feel the absence of people. The "new normal" SUCKS! People are different, who they were perhaps died a little with my mom. Everybody did their parts to get by but that was what any of us did.
On Christmas Eve we watched the video from my mothers memorial. We were reminded of Christmas Eve 2011 which was exciting because we had been having a fund raiser for my parents and had given them the monies raised, over $9,500 on Christmas Eve 2011. My parents were truly surprised and it made the rest of my moms life that much easier. To watch the videos go to www.everythingfunktional.com.
The holidays were tough for the older kids realizing that Nana would never be at another holiday. It was sad because Jax was only a month old in 2011. This year however, Jax knew who Nana was, he says her name all the time and can point her out in pictures. We had an ornament made of my mother and we put her at the top of the tree he would point to top and say "Nana."
It was a tough year...we lost a lot of people this year...
Saturday
Tuesday
A country of tears...
This week I have been thinking so much about the families of Newtown, CT I cant even imagine what these families are going through but my thoughts go out to them this week and every week here after...
Thursday
Tuesday
Cancer Family
I feel like once you have entered this world of Cancer you create a family. Gail and Michael are a couple that I met while my mother was going through treatment. Michael would be getting chemo at the same time my mother was getting chemo and we always made conversation and brought treats to share.
When my mother was in the hospital Gail came to see her which was so hard for her but she felt she had to do it. Both Michael and Gail came to my mothers memorial which had to be extra hard. This Cancer family you create understands the struggles and frustrations, the fears and in many cases loss. The bonds in this family are strong and only you truly know the long struggle, the hope and false hope, the loneliness that comes with your own thoughts in quiet moments.
I received a phone call today from Gail, Michael has been given months. It is such sad news because Michael has had so many surgeries and gone through radiation only to be told his cancer is not only in his liver but is in his brain again and countless other tumors. Basically his cancer has spread and there is nothing more the doctors can do for him.
Like my mother Michael did everything the doctors told him to, he had several surgeries only to get to this point. It is a frustrating and sad space to be in. I told Gail to focus on the time they have and the memories they will always have.
Don't listen to people that say time will heal because that is BULLSHIT time heals nothing you just get used to their absence.
Please for everyone reading send positive vibes and prayers to this family as they still have a long road ahead.
When my mother was in the hospital Gail came to see her which was so hard for her but she felt she had to do it. Both Michael and Gail came to my mothers memorial which had to be extra hard. This Cancer family you create understands the struggles and frustrations, the fears and in many cases loss. The bonds in this family are strong and only you truly know the long struggle, the hope and false hope, the loneliness that comes with your own thoughts in quiet moments.
I received a phone call today from Gail, Michael has been given months. It is such sad news because Michael has had so many surgeries and gone through radiation only to be told his cancer is not only in his liver but is in his brain again and countless other tumors. Basically his cancer has spread and there is nothing more the doctors can do for him.
Like my mother Michael did everything the doctors told him to, he had several surgeries only to get to this point. It is a frustrating and sad space to be in. I told Gail to focus on the time they have and the memories they will always have.
Don't listen to people that say time will heal because that is BULLSHIT time heals nothing you just get used to their absence.
Please for everyone reading send positive vibes and prayers to this family as they still have a long road ahead.
Monday
One year ago
One year ago on November 25 I let my mother use the cancer card. This is a card I never let my mother use because by using it she was admitting defeat she said herself she had expiration date.
On this day my son was born and my mother was there in the OR, she held Jaxson within minutes of his birth. The running joke was that the doctors helped her deliver him. I can remember her face when she saw what it was, girl or boy. I could see the excitement in her eyes, I had seen that look before she couldn't wait to get her hands on him.
After Jaxson was born my mother removed the mask from her face and kissed my forehead. In that moment my mother was a proud Nana for the third time. On this day my mother looked healthy she had just gotten a blood transfusion so her skin was a beautiful pink.
As we celebrated Jaxson's 1st birthday last month I was reminded of that day and it was so emotional that she was not here to help us celebrate. My mother lived life for her grandbabies I think everything she did in life she had her grandbabies in mind.
Jaxson says Nana now and points out her pictures when he sees them and someday he will know how much she loved him...
On this day my son was born and my mother was there in the OR, she held Jaxson within minutes of his birth. The running joke was that the doctors helped her deliver him. I can remember her face when she saw what it was, girl or boy. I could see the excitement in her eyes, I had seen that look before she couldn't wait to get her hands on him.
After Jaxson was born my mother removed the mask from her face and kissed my forehead. In that moment my mother was a proud Nana for the third time. On this day my mother looked healthy she had just gotten a blood transfusion so her skin was a beautiful pink.
As we celebrated Jaxson's 1st birthday last month I was reminded of that day and it was so emotional that she was not here to help us celebrate. My mother lived life for her grandbabies I think everything she did in life she had her grandbabies in mind.
Jaxson says Nana now and points out her pictures when he sees them and someday he will know how much she loved him...
What can I do...
It seems like everywhere I go or turn someone is ill with cancer or had died. About a month ago a first grader at my daughters school died from cancer and today I learned that a mother of twin boys in kindergarten had died. I find that even though I do not know this family my heart sinks. I have young children and the thought of leaving them is unbearable. I can't even imagine what this family is facing and especially since her death was right before Thanksgiving. I thought my holidays were tough I cant imagine having to explain the absence of a mother to a young child.
Where are the cures for Cancer? Where does all the money raised go if all these families are losing their battles?
On a daily basis I try and think about what I can do for the patients fighting their battles not the researchers. I cant sew so making blankets and hats is not an option, I cant paint or draw I cant play a guitar, what can I do? I try and think of what my mother would have needed or wanted during her battle.
If any readers have any ideas please share I am desperate to help the patients because at the moment I am tired with the medical side of treatment. The medical part of cancer may help get rid of the cancer but it does not help the patient, the person, the families. It does not help the families prepare for life or death it doesn't remember the patient when they have left our world, and it doesn't help the families left behind.
What can I do?...
Where are the cures for Cancer? Where does all the money raised go if all these families are losing their battles?
On a daily basis I try and think about what I can do for the patients fighting their battles not the researchers. I cant sew so making blankets and hats is not an option, I cant paint or draw I cant play a guitar, what can I do? I try and think of what my mother would have needed or wanted during her battle.
If any readers have any ideas please share I am desperate to help the patients because at the moment I am tired with the medical side of treatment. The medical part of cancer may help get rid of the cancer but it does not help the patient, the person, the families. It does not help the families prepare for life or death it doesn't remember the patient when they have left our world, and it doesn't help the families left behind.
What can I do?...
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