The New Normal SUCKS

The holidays came and gone, nothing special and really didn't feel much like the holidays.  They were sad and you could feel the absence of people.  The "new normal" SUCKS!  People are different, who they were perhaps died a little with my mom.  Everybody did their parts to get by but that was what any of us did. 

On Christmas Eve we watched the video from my mothers memorial. We were reminded of Christmas Eve 2011 which was exciting because we had been having a fund raiser for my parents and had given them the monies raised, over $9,500 on Christmas Eve 2011.  My parents were truly surprised and it made the rest of my moms life that much easier.  To watch the videos go to www.everythingfunktional.com. 

The holidays were tough for the older kids realizing that Nana would never be at another holiday.  It was sad because Jax was only a month old in 2011.  This year however, Jax knew who Nana was, he says her name all the time and can point her out in pictures.  We had an ornament made of my mother and we put her at the top of the tree he would point to top and say "Nana." 

It was a tough year...we lost a lot of people this year...

A country of tears...

This week I have been thinking so much about the families of Newtown, CT I cant even imagine what these families are going through but my thoughts go out to them this week and every week here after...

My Mother

Cancer Family

I feel like once you have entered this world of Cancer you create a family.  Gail and Michael are a couple that I met while my mother was going through treatment.  Michael would be getting chemo at the same time my mother was getting chemo and we always made conversation and brought treats to share. 

When my mother was in the hospital Gail came to see her which was so hard for her but she felt she had to do it.  Both Michael and Gail came to my mothers memorial which had to be extra hard.  This Cancer family you create understands the struggles and frustrations, the fears and in many cases loss.  The bonds in this family are strong and only you truly know the long struggle, the hope and false hope, the loneliness that comes with your own thoughts in quiet moments. 

I received a phone call today from Gail, Michael has been given months.  It is such sad news because Michael has had so many surgeries and gone through radiation only to be told his cancer is not only in his liver but is in his brain again and countless other tumors.  Basically his cancer has spread and there is nothing more the doctors can do for him. 

Like my mother Michael did everything the doctors told him to, he had several surgeries only to get to this point.  It is a frustrating and sad space to be in.  I told Gail to focus on the time they have and the memories they will always have. 

Don't listen to people that say time will heal because that is BULLSHIT time heals nothing you just get used to their absence. 

Please for everyone reading send positive vibes and prayers to this family as they still have a long road ahead.

4 months today...

but who's counting...?

One year ago

One year ago on November 25 I let my mother use the cancer card.  This is a card I never let my mother use because by using it she was admitting defeat she said herself she had expiration date.

On this day my son was born and my mother was there in the OR, she held Jaxson within minutes of his birth. The running joke was that the doctors helped her deliver him. I can remember her face when she saw what it was, girl or boy.  I could see the excitement in her eyes, I had seen that look before she couldn't wait to get her hands on him.

After Jaxson was born my mother removed the mask from her face and kissed my forehead.  In that moment my mother was a proud Nana for the third time.  On this day my mother looked healthy she had just gotten a blood transfusion so her skin was a beautiful pink.

As we celebrated Jaxson's 1st birthday last month I was reminded of that day and it was so emotional that she was not here to help us celebrate.  My mother lived life for her grandbabies I think everything she did in life she had her grandbabies in mind. 

Jaxson says Nana now and points out her pictures when he sees them and someday he will know how much she loved him...

What can I do...

It seems like everywhere I go or turn someone is ill with cancer or had died.  About a month ago a first grader at my daughters school died from cancer and today I learned that a mother of twin boys in kindergarten had died.  I find that even though I do not know this family my heart sinks.  I have young children and the thought of leaving them is unbearable.  I can't even imagine what this family is facing and especially since her death was right before Thanksgiving. I thought my holidays were tough I cant imagine having to explain the absence of a mother to a young child. 

Where are the cures for Cancer?  Where does all the money raised go if all these families are losing their battles? 

On a daily basis I try and think about what I can do for the patients fighting their battles not the researchers.  I cant sew so making blankets and hats is not an option, I cant paint or draw I cant play a guitar, what can I do?  I try and think of what my mother would have needed or wanted during her battle.

If any readers have any ideas please share I am desperate to help the patients because at the moment I am tired with the medical side of treatment. The medical part of cancer may help get rid of the cancer but it does not help the patient, the person, the families.  It does not help the families prepare for life or death it doesn't remember the patient when they have left our world, and it doesn't help the families left behind. 

What can I do?... 

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there!  While I have much to be sad and missing this Thanksgiving I also am blessed.  I have an amazing husband whom has been my rock I have two beautiful children that are healthy and thriving and extended family and friends who check in on me often. 

Thanksgiving was my moms holiday to host.  She always put out an amazing table down with beautiful decorations.  She was an amazing cook nothing my mom made on Thanksgiving was questionable.  She always had something new to share and put love and thought into her menu always making sure everyone had their favorites not to mention her gravy was right from the turkey drippings.

I miss my mother everyday but days like today hold the most memories making them a little tougher than the rest.

Today instead of going to my parents home I will go to my cousins house.  The new normal will be a tough reminder that I will never have my mothers amazing cooking and see her smiling face again. 

Cancer does not discriminate

My daughter went to school this morning like any other normal day but today the morning news was very sad.  A first grade boy lost his battle with cancer over the weekend.  Raigan didn’t know this young boy and I don’t know if she ever saw him in school but the news was very sad. 

This young boy only 7 years old had so much more to do in life.  I will never understand the great losses that families feel every day to cancer. 

Cancer does not discriminate; it takes the young, old and everything in the middle. 

My heart is very heavy for the family of this young boy especially as the holidays approach.  I hope the family can find their “New Normal” as they go through the emotions of grief…

Can't shake the memories...

I had a doctor’s appointment and unfortunately for me my doctor’s office just happens to be at the same hospital that my mother passed away at.  Even though both my babies were born at this same hospital I was brought back to her last week and her last day.  Once again I could not help the overwhelming emotions of just being in the same place. 

My doctor’s office is not only at the same hospital but one floor above the Cancer Care Alliance and across from the ER where my mother was admitted for the last time.   

I wish I could come to this space where every day, life is brought into the world and not the last time I saw my mother.  The feeling when I saw my mom very still, no more air passing her lips, and the memory of my long walk out to my car for the last time.   It all came flooding back to me, it’s a heavy feeling. 

I thought it would be easier this time I mean I thought the hard part was over after I visited the nurses that took care of my mom.  I thought that was the toughest but this was just as hard, and my tears were just as wet and the emotions were just as strong.

Again I ask the question when will the memories of my mom’s last week be just a blip and not all I think about?  When will her life and years of happy memories take the front seat of my mind?

33 years ago

Today 33 years ago my mom went into labor but instead of going directly to the hospital she took a shower, did a load of laundry, loaded the dishwasher, and got back into bed.  She told my dad she was not going to the hospital but they made it just in time for my arrival.

Missing out

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my mom or think about how much she is missing out on and knowing how much she would be enjoying her grandbabies.  I have been wondering if she is really watching over us and sees exactly what’s happening. 

I would not classify myself as a religious person which I think has its down side for sure… 

I think if I actually had true belief with all my heart and soul that my mom was somewhere better and having a party with all family members past I might be at peace with her passing. 

I think if I had a strong belief that she is an angel watching over us and God or whomever had a plan for her maybe I would feel more at peace with her passing.

It’s hard to have a belief in something you cannot see.  It’s hard to think that the master plan for my mom was to take her away from all that she loved and that loved her at the age of 60.  It’s hard not to question and rationalize her death when she had so much more to give, take, teach, and learn.  It is hard for me to believe my own words that she is in a better place.  What is a better place away from her family and everyone that loves her? 

We went on a field trip today with my daughters school to the pumpkin patch and I couldn’t help but think about how much fun my mom would be having right there with us.  On a daily basis my mom is missing all the things she most loved.  Jax is starting to get chattier, teething, and eating everything.  Raigan is growing up so fast and is making so many new friends; she is creative, smart and super funny.

On a daily basis I have to explain to my daughter where Nana is and why she died. I have to assure her that I am not going to die anytime soon (keep my fingers crossed). 

Unbearable Reality

I went out to my mom and dad’s house and couldn’t help myself.  I went to my mother’s closet just to smell her clothes…   

Some days my mom’s death still seems so surreal and then other days it is almost an unbearable reality. 

Abandoned

Not really sure if abandonment is one of the steps in grief but lately I have been feeling abandoned.  My mother left and I still have so much to say to her.  I feel like I have more questions about everything!   

After she died she came to my dreams but was distant and never spoke to me.  They were nothing like dreams I have had in the past and my grandmother who promised to meet me in my dreams has yet to come at all. 

In my mind I am still hoping for a letter with all my mother’s wisdom, advice, and words of encouragement she gave to me all my life.  Maybe it’s not abandonment; maybe I am just missing her.

I miss her phone calls just to check in where a quick call would turn into an hour talking about nothing and everything.  She had an opinion about everything and an answer for all questions.

Last weekend I took a drive with my husband and kids and started to cry and couldn’t stop.  As we drove, the highway lined with trees changing color and the memories of a similar if not the same drive flooded my mind.  Lately this has been happening more and more, sometimes it’s just driving Raigan to school and I lose it. 

Before my mother passed away she told me that I “love differently, that when I fall I fall hard” I am still not sure what she meant by this but I feel like right now I am trying to stay upright every minute of every day. 

Trying to find something to celebrate

Feeling a little broken today!

With my birthday upon me I cannot decide what and if I want to do anything. How do I honor the women that gave me life?

I was never really big on making a big deal of my birthday anyway but this year without my mom to make me my special dinner I am at a loss. I want to start a new normal all while honoring what used to be.

Today I feel like going to bed and waking up next year after all the tough days of birthdays, and holidays have past. Saying that I know that won’t help my healing and I still am not sure how you heal from a loss as great as a mom.

Two women that were a huge part of my life whom made birthdays and holidays special are not here to help celebrate.

 I am not sure how to celebrate all while grieving so much loss in a matter of a month and a half. 

 

I wonder...

Would I feel more at peace with my moms death had she died doing something she loved? 

For instance I always said that if I died in a plane crash I died either going somewhere I loved or coming home to somewhere I loved.

I was too late

Today is October 3rd, 2 months since my mother passed and it is harder today than it was the day she died.

 
When my mother's got her diagnosis and her doctor said she had approximately 2 years to live it felt like the walls closed in on me.  It felt like my head was going to explode and I couldn’t wrap my arms around the word incurable.  With all of the money that goes into research there is still so much to be learned about Cancer.

Knowing that my mother’s time was limited we never had life long conversations. We never spoke about her last wishes. There was no easy way to talk about death or even a right time. It was hard to get my head around the fact that my mom wouldn’t be here forever.

My mother always tried to keep a positive attitude, we were hopeful she would be a miracle so bringing up a future without her was difficult and almost seemed taboo.

Even when my mom got really sick it was hard to face the reality of her situation. We never had heart to hearts about life, a future without her. My mother was an amazing women and I struggle with how to raise my children that include my mother. How can you even begin to explain how wonderful she was and how much she loved them? I find it especially tough for Jax whom is too young to remember her? He was just over 8 months old when she died.
 
My mother was a great writer but never gave herself credit for her creativity with words. She always talked about a book she wanted to write; now I will never know what the book would have been about. When my mother died I was hoping that somewhere we would find some written work that my mother had secretly done. I was hoping that she wrote me a letter of life long lessons or advice. Her death when it came was quick but knowing the diagnosis was there a little bit of denial, I will never know.

My only regret was never speaking candidly about a future without her. I am constantly second guessing myself and wondering what my mom would say or do.

Lesson learned; talked to you loved ones before it’s too late...

Finding the family

For the past two days I have been scanning in 100's of pictures and working on my family tree.  Thank you Ancestory.com which has made this process a million times easier.  Thank you to skype for making connecting with relatives in England a trillion times easier.  Information sharing is so amazing these days but it is a ton of time. 

Man thats a lot of work but someone has got to do it.  I have got to get my stuff together before more people who know everything die and the information is lost forever. 

My maternal grandmother and the matriarch of my family died on September 11, 2012 and with her took answers and knowledge.  My mother left on August 3, 2012 and she too took with her stories and knowledge of family history.  I figured I better get some stuff done befor no one has any answers for me.

While my mother and grandmother left me a good start there is still so much to find and so many missing details and people to find.

Anyone reading taken on this project?  If so, please help with some pointers...

My personal first

My mother was the best cook I knew, growing up I never ate jam purchased from the grocery store and never remember eating a meal made from a box. 

She was a creative cook and in 16 days when I celebrate my 33rd birthday without her and eat my first birthday meal that isn’t made by my mom I will miss her.  She would have made me my birthday dinner and it would have been anything I wanted including my favorite vegetable (brussel sprouts). 

Last year I was pregnant and instead of dinner I wanted breakfast so she made a big breakfast with all the homemade goodies including jam and homemade whipped cream. 

My mom always made birthdays special and this year I will be forced to change traditional and find a new normal…

Remembering her life

Right now the wounds of my mother’s death are fresh and I hope someday soon I can remember her life and her death will take a back burner.   

In trying to remember her life and somehow push her last week of life aside I have taken on a sewing project, made freezer jam for the first time, and tomato sauce using tomatoes from my mother’s garden all in the hopes of remembering her life. 

I made my mothers memorial video for her funeral, it took me 3 weeks feel free to check it out www.everythingfunktional.com

Heavy conversation for a 5 year old

We were sitting at the dinner table the other night and my 5 year old daughter, Raigan says, “I want to die so that I can see Nana again.”

My heart sunk and I could feel myself start to choke, what do I say to that? 

Holding back tears I had to tell her that Nana wouldn’t want that, Nana would want her to be happy here living, playing and going to school.  I had to tell her that as she knows death is final and that she would have to leave everyone behind and that would make us very sad.  I told her to remember that Nana is never too far away and we always have our memories of Nana and she is always in our heart.  I had to explain that even though we can’t hear Nana talk back to us Nana is always listening.   

Through this whole process of watching my mother go through treatment and hospital stays I have been really honest with Raigan.  She knew that Nana was very sick she was at the hospital every day to see Nana during her last week but how do any of us prepare for death.  We know we are all going to die but trying to comprehend such a permanent outcome is so difficult. 

Since my mother died I have tried to make it as easy as possible to talk about Nana.  I don’t want Raigan to ever feel like we can’t talk about Nana, I never want her feel like talking about Nana is bad.  I am afraid that if we don’t talk about Nana Raigan will start to forget. 

Heeling has nothing to do with time...

People say time heels but I say time doesn’t heal anything!  When people die you have to learn how to live without them.  You are forced to find a new normal; you have to learn what life is like without them.  How can time heel anything when every day is a day without them?  More time doesn’t change the fact that your loved one is missing out on everything.

I don’t foresee this first year without my mom being any less difficult than forever.  This year is just the first time without her.   First day of school for my daughter without Nana by her side, my sons first birthday, my birthdays, holidays, vacations every day conversations and traditions will never be the same.   

I am forced to learn a new normal without her, keeping traditions alive without her, making memories that will never again include my mother.   I feel the responsibility and think it is of the utmost importance of keeping my mother’s spirit alive and the memory of her going, not only for me but for my babies.

Every day I am learning about the new normal.  I am learning how to heel through a new normal.  I am honoring my mother by constantly keeping her in my day to day conversations.  I dare to try things and make things that I would not have tried before. 

Part of Healing

For some reason I had been feeling like I needed to thank the nurses that took such good care of my mother.   I wanted them all to know how much their care was appreciated.  Who knows what goes on in their heads?  Many of the nurses had become like family, whenever my mom was in the hospital we shared personal stories about our families.  We shared hugs and laughter, they were accommodating when family and friends piled into the hospital.  We never felt like just another patient, we never felt unwelcome and I wanted them to know that long after the patient is gone the family doesn’t forget what they did. 

Day after day I had wanted and needed to go there and see the nurses.  Everyday something was like a neon sign in my brain constantly in my mind. I felt like until I went to the hospital my mind wouldn’t rest something or someone wouldn’t let me stop thinking about it.

I got to the hospital and walked the same route I walked every day for a week.  As I got closer to the 4^th floor and closer to the room I had last seen my mother in I got shakier and it started to get harder to move.  I got to the nurses’ station and when I saw Nurse Ann tears started to run down my cheeks, I had been keeping them in but could no longer hide my loss.  Ann came around the counter and hugged me and with tears in her eyes and surprise on her face we hugged, and I apologized.  Then Nurse Sarah gave me a hug, we spoke for a few minutes and I had to go, I had to get off of the 4^th floor.

In all honesty I didn’t think it would be that hard.  The same hospital that my mother took her last breat my children took their first. 

Finally when I got outside I could breath.

Lasting Memory

This is kind of a fun memory from my mother’s final week...


We brought in a friend of my Uncle, Father Pat and instead of last rights we prayed. We surrounded my mother and with tears in our eyes we prayed together.


My 8 month old son sat at the foot of the bed between my mother’s feet. While in the middle of a prayer my son leaned over and bit my mother’s big toe, he must have bit her hard because my mother said "ouch" I told her he couldn’t talk yet but wanted her to know that he just wanted her to know that he was here and loved her too!

The Sun Was Shining

My mother took her last breath at 5:57am on August 3, 2012 in the arms of her best friend of 45 years; my father never left her side.  My parents were the definition of marriage, two people with unconditional love for each other. They met when my mother was just 15 years old and according to mother “it was not love at first sight” however their love ended up being the most amazing.  They respected each other and were inseparable.  They worked hard and played hard, they raised two children, my sister and I but most of all loved being grandparents to their three grandchildren.  In fact, my mother was in the OR when her youngest grandson was born in November 2011. 

For an entire week my family owned the waiting room, we set up camp, people brought food and beverages, puzzles, and told stories; we shared memories, laughter and tears.  The day my mom died was no different, people showed up brought breakfast and coffee, we said prayers surrounding my mother we kissed her goodbye and cried about our loss.  Our celebration of life continued even in her death. 

She was an inspiration; she fought cancer and lost but never gave up.  The loss of my mother is felt so deep by so many she loved and was loved.   

Her Descend

Following her best day were her worst days.  After she rallied she started her descend, from the food she had consumed she got sick she started to forget what was going on and where she was.  It was a heart breaking reality.  

She no longer had the strength to talk too much, she opened her eyes intermittently and the conversations were headed towards making her more comfortable.  The decision was made to take her off of fluid and give her a morphine drip.    

Her Best Day

Monday, July 30^th the celebration of my mom was still going strong so much so the nurses decided to move my mother to the room closest to the waiting room to accommodate the continuous visitors.  This day was her best, on this day she rallied and actually got out of bed to join the party in her honor. 

The hospital has this thing called a hover craft that allows a patient to safely be moved into a chair in which essentially is a bed and wheel chair in one.  Only me, my sister, and the nurses knew that she was coming out so when she was presented everyone clapped, cried and was overjoyed with emotion.  She had wanted to join the party and her wish came true that day, her best day.  She stayed out for a couple hours asking for and eating more food than she had eaten in weeks.  She had a little bit of everything, fresh crab from Camano Island, a little bit of doughnut from Voo Doo doughnuts, fruit, and juice, anything she requested she got. 

 

That evening when things settled down after the day’s excitement she told everyone she had "gone to a party." The smile on her face was priceless and as she explained the hovercraft she looked like a kid again, her face was carefree, and jovial so much so you forgot she was so sick. 

 

The Last Week

On Friday, July 27^th my dad took my mom to the emergency room with stomach pain which was an unusually symptom of her cancer even after 38 paracentesis.  She physically was incapable of transporting herself from the front seat of the car to her wheel chair.  She was visibly ailing and almost seemed like she was mentally indisposed.  After several tests she was given fluid for dehydration and admitted with failing kidneys.  Within 12 hours we went from hope to despair we went from one Oncologist sending her home to another giving her 1 – 7 days to live and that anyone who wanted to see her should do so.  Within 12 hours my mother went from being treated to being made comfortable.

Within hours visitors packed the hospital to see my mother and support my family. Within the first 3 days of the news my mom had over 150 visitors.  My mother was lucid and spoke to each visitor, shared memories and joked with many.  She was at peace with what was now inevitable and showed no signs of fear.  We shared love, strength and tears knowing that our days were numbered. 

Right Before My Eyes

Have you ever watched somebody you love die?  Where you there months, weeks, days or even moments before they took their last breath?  Have you ever watched your loved one deteriorate right before your eyes? First they have tired days, then days turn into weeks and then your loved one becomes weak, so weak they hardly get out of bed.  Too weak to walk and get the mail to weak tothink about a future. 

I watched this happen to my mother.  One month she is great driving herself, planning trips to Mexico, and Camano Island.  The strength she had, the plans she made all changed in a short month.  It was 29 daysof radiation that did her in.  It was 29 consecutive days in one month that changes her fate and shortened her time and made the tired days turn into tired months. It was 29 days that made us wish we would have taken the other road.  It was 29 days that while only lasted 15 minutes took everything out of her liver and essential drew the path to her grave.  We knew that her diagnosis was a death sentence but she was doing so great in fact if it weren’t for her thinning hair you would have never known my mother was sick. 

Now 5 months after 29 days of radiation her hair was growing back but her body was weak and frail looking.  Her face and arms were visibly thin, her skin was no longer rosy and her smile grew into tears.  Her tired and bad days had now become months ,hospital stays became more frequent. We once hoped to make it longer than two years now just became, make her as comfortable as possible for as long aspossible...

The Diagnosis

At the end of May when my mother was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma life was altered forever. The doctor said her cancer was stage 4, incurable and her doctor’s prognosis was two years. While we were stunned and ultimately caught off guard foremost with the diagnosis and then a future cut short there was no question my mother would fight. Two days later my mother started chemotherapy, the liver cancer was fast moving and had already spread into her hip bones and was in her blood. Before I could comprehend the cancer diagnosis my mother began the fight for her life and unknown future.    

Week after week she went to chemotherapy and as the weeks turned into months and her hair fell out she was going through loss I couldn’t understand.  Her life would never be the same because she would never be able to stop treatment.  If she stopped treatment for too long the cancer would have a chance to grow and spread.  If she stopped treatment it meant she was giving up and ultimately the cancer would win the battle. 

As one goes through treatment you are put in a room with other cancer patients and you start to form friendships and bonds.  The people in the room know exactly what you are going through because like you they too have cancer and are facing an uncertain future.    

The more I went to my mother’s appointments the more I would realize that eventually I would stop seeing the same people and not because they were necessarily “cured” or in remission but because their future had been taken from them. I felt as though I was going to my mom’s appointments not only for her but I wanted to see how everyone else’s health was doing.  I wanted to see Karen knitting yet another sweater, and I wanted to know how Michael was feeling after his radiation treatments.

Karen had breast cancer that spread to her liver, the cancer was found in her leg and in her neck. Every week she looked weaker and every week her and her husband stayed positive and continued to fight.  The sweaters she knitted were as spunky and bright as she was.

Michael had liver cancer that spread to his esophagus and then to his brain. Even after months of chemotherapy and radiation to his esophagus and brain they found another tumor on his liver.  Michael and Gail became a part of our family we would email each other when we didn’t see one another in the doctor’s office or at treatments, we would set our appointments so that they would overlap one another just so we could see one another.    

Physical and Mental Loss in One

Every year people make resolutions to lose weight, workout, and even go as far to join a gym.  Rarely people make resolutions to take more vacations, make a bucket list, or to make relationships stronger.  For me 2011 started off by not making a resolution but rather letting a resolution go.  I wanted to start off with a clean slate for myself I gave up on having another baby, was already off fertility drugs and was giving away my piles and buckets of bay clothes I had been holding onto.  At the end of 2008 on Christmas morning I lost the baby I so desperately wanted.  I had an ectopic pregnancy which not only took my baby but cost me my left tube. 

This particular death was so much more than a death but would be a couple of years of turmoil, and emotional strain.  This death was deeply personal it affected so much of my life for so long and I had to go through the same emotions anyone would have to go through when losing someone they love.  Even though I never met this baby and many would say it wasn’t a baby it was inside me and grew until it couldn’t and I loved it or the idea of what it would have been. 

For two years after the death of this baby I planned my life around doctor’s appointments and fertility drugs but finally in 2011 I was ready to live again no more schedules, temperatures and no more putting life on hold for what could be but rather living for what I had.  It was time to clean out the stuff and that was creating a mental block, and obsession.

While the loss was great and forever changed me it was the news that was to come that would change my life forever and left me lost and sad. 

[For the full fertility story go to my other blog http://myfertilityadventure.blogspot.com/]

It's Never Easy

Some deaths are easier than others; even the expected deaths can be extremely heartbreaking. 

Alzheimer's

My great grandmother died when I was twelve years old and I can remember waking up to a sunny morning with the news that her Alzheimer’s had finally gotten the best of her.  We knew it was coming she had refused to eat and I am sure somewhere in her empty eyes she knew her memory was gone and she was tired.  Even though she didn’t know who I was when I visited her in the nursing home every week with my grandmother and she punched me once out of confusion I grew up with her in my life, she was my great grandmother.  She was little, had grey hair, she had a stern grip, sharp nails, and half the time someone else teeth or no teeth at all. 

I remember visiting her at her nursing home during the holidays, the whole family would go, my dad would dress up like Santa, all the kids would dress up like elves and we would pass out gifts to the residents.  I remember visiting her on several occasions walking in on her naked body looking very fragile; boobs hung to her knees and I can remember my grandmother getting her dressed in a one tone sweat suit she got lost in even though it was a size small.  I remember the twins’ Frank and George that sat at the elevator in their wheelchairs greeting the visitors.  Come to think of it maybe they weren’t the greeting crew but rather trying to escape.   When Great Grandma Louise died holiday traditions changed and weekly visits were forgotten. 

"The Circle of Life"

The progress of humans has always been birth, life and death and we assume death is at old age after one has lived and when one dies at an old age to make ourselves feel better we say “they lived a great life” but even when the elderly and mature pass away life changes, normal changes and not only history but habits die with them.

A Path Forever Changed

When I was eleven years old my sister’s boyfriend and what I would call her soul mate was in a tragic boating accident that instantly killed him.  From what I can remember, they had a great relationship he and my sister, he came from a great family, was a star athlete, had aspirations, and brought the best and worst out in my sister.   I remember the night so clearly and even to this day when I replay that evening in my head it all happened in slow motion.  My dad was working the graveyard shift, my mother was helping set up for my cousins wedding and my older sister by almost 8 years was at my house babysitting me.  My sister called her boyfriend and left a message on his phone to come over.  It wasn’t 5 minutes later and my parents’ house phone rang, it was his father, her face went from pure joy and excitement to shock and dismay.  At that moment anyone who would have seen her would have known that what he was telling her was bad but when she handed the phone to me and he repeated what he had told her I didn’t know what to do.  By this point she was hysterical I don’t even know if it was safe for her to drive but that’s exactly what we did we drove straight to his parent’s house.   At the time I knew the loss I was feeling but it wasn’t until I became a wife to my soul mate and parent that the magnitude of that loss would make sense in a completely different manner.  I remember the celebrations of Brad’s life that took place everywhere from his high school to family.  I remember my sister after his death and knew she was never going to be the same, she was going to have to find her “new normal” and what I learned much later is that his death would change her path forever.  It would change her confidence, her drive and her dream.

Death is Game Changing

Death is unlike anything else in the world, it’s not something you can just get over or replace.  Death is permanent and sometimes you don’t even have the opportunity to say goodbye.  For some people it’s until we meet again, for others it’s something far more spiritual, and for John Edwards its see ya soon.  For me it was and is a little of each, I think I want to believe I will see my loved ones again and that they are all together having a party in the best shape and health of their lives.  I want to believe that those that have past are thinking about me as much as I am of them and watching over me and my family, our guardian angels.

When you come from a large family such as me you are faced with death too many times.  When you know a lot of people, friends and acquaintances it seems that death happens kind of like shit.

Death is not only permanent it’s a game changer.  It can mean the difference between the dream and settling on the thought of a dream. 

My first memory of loss

Once we lose someone in our lives, everything changes.  What was a normal existence becomes what I call “a new normal.”  Holidays and celebrations are different, and when you go to make out celebratory cards you are reminded of your loss.  New Year’s resolution update address book more often. 

My earliest memory of loss is when I was young, maybe 5 years old and it was either my friend’s brother that drowned or my neighbor Mac whom was sick and died in his sleep.  Both deaths were surreal at that age and I can’t even remember how their absence was explained to me but I think I just knew nothing about the situations were business as usual.  I still have memories of my neighbor Mac because he had this glass peanut dispenser that he and I use to play games with. I would sneak some nuts and he would pretend he didn’t see me until just at the right moment when he would sneak up behind me.  I would scream like I had just been caught feeding the dog my vegetables under the dinner table and I remember doing this over and over again.  Years later when I was in my teens my neighbor Karen, Mac’s widow, had a garage sale and there sat that peanut dispenser when I brought up the old memory she handed it to me and to this day when I see the dispenser I am fondly reminded of Mac. 

It’s funny how precious memories can be preserved through objects, possessions or a simple song and how without things we might not even remember specific memories.