Can't shake the memories...

I had a doctor’s appointment and unfortunately for me my doctor’s office just happens to be at the same hospital that my mother passed away at.  Even though both my babies were born at this same hospital I was brought back to her last week and her last day.  Once again I could not help the overwhelming emotions of just being in the same place. 

My doctor’s office is not only at the same hospital but one floor above the Cancer Care Alliance and across from the ER where my mother was admitted for the last time.   

I wish I could come to this space where every day, life is brought into the world and not the last time I saw my mother.  The feeling when I saw my mom very still, no more air passing her lips, and the memory of my long walk out to my car for the last time.   It all came flooding back to me, it’s a heavy feeling. 

I thought it would be easier this time I mean I thought the hard part was over after I visited the nurses that took care of my mom.  I thought that was the toughest but this was just as hard, and my tears were just as wet and the emotions were just as strong.

Again I ask the question when will the memories of my mom’s last week be just a blip and not all I think about?  When will her life and years of happy memories take the front seat of my mind?

33 years ago

Today 33 years ago my mom went into labor but instead of going directly to the hospital she took a shower, did a load of laundry, loaded the dishwasher, and got back into bed.  She told my dad she was not going to the hospital but they made it just in time for my arrival.

Missing out

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my mom or think about how much she is missing out on and knowing how much she would be enjoying her grandbabies.  I have been wondering if she is really watching over us and sees exactly what’s happening. 

I would not classify myself as a religious person which I think has its down side for sure… 

I think if I actually had true belief with all my heart and soul that my mom was somewhere better and having a party with all family members past I might be at peace with her passing. 

I think if I had a strong belief that she is an angel watching over us and God or whomever had a plan for her maybe I would feel more at peace with her passing.

It’s hard to have a belief in something you cannot see.  It’s hard to think that the master plan for my mom was to take her away from all that she loved and that loved her at the age of 60.  It’s hard not to question and rationalize her death when she had so much more to give, take, teach, and learn.  It is hard for me to believe my own words that she is in a better place.  What is a better place away from her family and everyone that loves her? 

We went on a field trip today with my daughters school to the pumpkin patch and I couldn’t help but think about how much fun my mom would be having right there with us.  On a daily basis my mom is missing all the things she most loved.  Jax is starting to get chattier, teething, and eating everything.  Raigan is growing up so fast and is making so many new friends; she is creative, smart and super funny.

On a daily basis I have to explain to my daughter where Nana is and why she died. I have to assure her that I am not going to die anytime soon (keep my fingers crossed). 

Unbearable Reality

I went out to my mom and dad’s house and couldn’t help myself.  I went to my mother’s closet just to smell her clothes…   

Some days my mom’s death still seems so surreal and then other days it is almost an unbearable reality. 

Abandoned

Not really sure if abandonment is one of the steps in grief but lately I have been feeling abandoned.  My mother left and I still have so much to say to her.  I feel like I have more questions about everything!   

After she died she came to my dreams but was distant and never spoke to me.  They were nothing like dreams I have had in the past and my grandmother who promised to meet me in my dreams has yet to come at all. 

In my mind I am still hoping for a letter with all my mother’s wisdom, advice, and words of encouragement she gave to me all my life.  Maybe it’s not abandonment; maybe I am just missing her.

I miss her phone calls just to check in where a quick call would turn into an hour talking about nothing and everything.  She had an opinion about everything and an answer for all questions.

Last weekend I took a drive with my husband and kids and started to cry and couldn’t stop.  As we drove, the highway lined with trees changing color and the memories of a similar if not the same drive flooded my mind.  Lately this has been happening more and more, sometimes it’s just driving Raigan to school and I lose it. 

Before my mother passed away she told me that I “love differently, that when I fall I fall hard” I am still not sure what she meant by this but I feel like right now I am trying to stay upright every minute of every day. 

Trying to find something to celebrate

Feeling a little broken today!

With my birthday upon me I cannot decide what and if I want to do anything. How do I honor the women that gave me life?

I was never really big on making a big deal of my birthday anyway but this year without my mom to make me my special dinner I am at a loss. I want to start a new normal all while honoring what used to be.

Today I feel like going to bed and waking up next year after all the tough days of birthdays, and holidays have past. Saying that I know that won’t help my healing and I still am not sure how you heal from a loss as great as a mom.

Two women that were a huge part of my life whom made birthdays and holidays special are not here to help celebrate.

 I am not sure how to celebrate all while grieving so much loss in a matter of a month and a half. 

 

I wonder...

Would I feel more at peace with my moms death had she died doing something she loved? 

For instance I always said that if I died in a plane crash I died either going somewhere I loved or coming home to somewhere I loved.

I was too late

Today is October 3rd, 2 months since my mother passed and it is harder today than it was the day she died.

 
When my mother's got her diagnosis and her doctor said she had approximately 2 years to live it felt like the walls closed in on me.  It felt like my head was going to explode and I couldn’t wrap my arms around the word incurable.  With all of the money that goes into research there is still so much to be learned about Cancer.

Knowing that my mother’s time was limited we never had life long conversations. We never spoke about her last wishes. There was no easy way to talk about death or even a right time. It was hard to get my head around the fact that my mom wouldn’t be here forever.

My mother always tried to keep a positive attitude, we were hopeful she would be a miracle so bringing up a future without her was difficult and almost seemed taboo.

Even when my mom got really sick it was hard to face the reality of her situation. We never had heart to hearts about life, a future without her. My mother was an amazing women and I struggle with how to raise my children that include my mother. How can you even begin to explain how wonderful she was and how much she loved them? I find it especially tough for Jax whom is too young to remember her? He was just over 8 months old when she died.
 
My mother was a great writer but never gave herself credit for her creativity with words. She always talked about a book she wanted to write; now I will never know what the book would have been about. When my mother died I was hoping that somewhere we would find some written work that my mother had secretly done. I was hoping that she wrote me a letter of life long lessons or advice. Her death when it came was quick but knowing the diagnosis was there a little bit of denial, I will never know.

My only regret was never speaking candidly about a future without her. I am constantly second guessing myself and wondering what my mom would say or do.

Lesson learned; talked to you loved ones before it’s too late...

Finding the family

For the past two days I have been scanning in 100's of pictures and working on my family tree.  Thank you Ancestory.com which has made this process a million times easier.  Thank you to skype for making connecting with relatives in England a trillion times easier.  Information sharing is so amazing these days but it is a ton of time. 

Man thats a lot of work but someone has got to do it.  I have got to get my stuff together before more people who know everything die and the information is lost forever. 

My maternal grandmother and the matriarch of my family died on September 11, 2012 and with her took answers and knowledge.  My mother left on August 3, 2012 and she too took with her stories and knowledge of family history.  I figured I better get some stuff done befor no one has any answers for me.

While my mother and grandmother left me a good start there is still so much to find and so many missing details and people to find.

Anyone reading taken on this project?  If so, please help with some pointers...