The day my life changed...

One year ago today I lost my mother and the first year without her has been tough to say the least.  There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about her, talked about her, talked to her, or wished I could have just one more hug from her. 

The hardest part about the first year was the kids, they have grown and changed so much.  Jax was only 8 months old when she passed and Raigan was Nana's princess.  Raigan won the humanitarian award at school and all I could think about was how proud my mom would have been for her, she would have been her number one cheerleader.  Jax, well he has changed a lot and is just coming into my moms favorite age the terrific twos. 

This last year I have tried everyday to focus on my mothers life.  I continue to teach my babies how she loved and was so kind, we constantly talk about Nana memories.  No matter what I do or say I always feel the hole.  The hole I feel hurts and it really does feel like a piece of me is missing. 

The first year sucks, I went through the motions of life but never really felt in the moment.  We had our first birthdays without my mom, holidays, anniversaries, and here we are left with this day, the one year anniversary of her death. 

Today we woke up early and we drove to Camano Island a place that my mother loved to spend time with family and friends, treasure hunting on the beach.  We spread her ashes on this one year anniversary and wrote messages on balloons.  We cried, we laughed and as I wind my day down I am in the same exact place I was a year ago...