Abandoned

Not really sure if abandonment is one of the steps in grief but lately I have been feeling abandoned.  My mother left and I still have so much to say to her.  I feel like I have more questions about everything!   

After she died she came to my dreams but was distant and never spoke to me.  They were nothing like dreams I have had in the past and my grandmother who promised to meet me in my dreams has yet to come at all. 

In my mind I am still hoping for a letter with all my mother’s wisdom, advice, and words of encouragement she gave to me all my life.  Maybe it’s not abandonment; maybe I am just missing her.

I miss her phone calls just to check in where a quick call would turn into an hour talking about nothing and everything.  She had an opinion about everything and an answer for all questions.

Last weekend I took a drive with my husband and kids and started to cry and couldn’t stop.  As we drove, the highway lined with trees changing color and the memories of a similar if not the same drive flooded my mind.  Lately this has been happening more and more, sometimes it’s just driving Raigan to school and I lose it. 

Before my mother passed away she told me that I “love differently, that when I fall I fall hard” I am still not sure what she meant by this but I feel like right now I am trying to stay upright every minute of every day.