Missing out

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my mom or think about how much she is missing out on and knowing how much she would be enjoying her grandbabies.  I have been wondering if she is really watching over us and sees exactly what’s happening. 

I would not classify myself as a religious person which I think has its down side for sure… 

I think if I actually had true belief with all my heart and soul that my mom was somewhere better and having a party with all family members past I might be at peace with her passing. 

I think if I had a strong belief that she is an angel watching over us and God or whomever had a plan for her maybe I would feel more at peace with her passing.

It’s hard to have a belief in something you cannot see.  It’s hard to think that the master plan for my mom was to take her away from all that she loved and that loved her at the age of 60.  It’s hard not to question and rationalize her death when she had so much more to give, take, teach, and learn.  It is hard for me to believe my own words that she is in a better place.  What is a better place away from her family and everyone that loves her? 

We went on a field trip today with my daughters school to the pumpkin patch and I couldn’t help but think about how much fun my mom would be having right there with us.  On a daily basis my mom is missing all the things she most loved.  Jax is starting to get chattier, teething, and eating everything.  Raigan is growing up so fast and is making so many new friends; she is creative, smart and super funny.

On a daily basis I have to explain to my daughter where Nana is and why she died. I have to assure her that I am not going to die anytime soon (keep my fingers crossed).