I was too late

Today is October 3rd, 2 months since my mother passed and it is harder today than it was the day she died.

 
When my mother's got her diagnosis and her doctor said she had approximately 2 years to live it felt like the walls closed in on me.  It felt like my head was going to explode and I couldn’t wrap my arms around the word incurable.  With all of the money that goes into research there is still so much to be learned about Cancer.

Knowing that my mother’s time was limited we never had life long conversations. We never spoke about her last wishes. There was no easy way to talk about death or even a right time. It was hard to get my head around the fact that my mom wouldn’t be here forever.

My mother always tried to keep a positive attitude, we were hopeful she would be a miracle so bringing up a future without her was difficult and almost seemed taboo.

Even when my mom got really sick it was hard to face the reality of her situation. We never had heart to hearts about life, a future without her. My mother was an amazing women and I struggle with how to raise my children that include my mother. How can you even begin to explain how wonderful she was and how much she loved them? I find it especially tough for Jax whom is too young to remember her? He was just over 8 months old when she died.
 
My mother was a great writer but never gave herself credit for her creativity with words. She always talked about a book she wanted to write; now I will never know what the book would have been about. When my mother died I was hoping that somewhere we would find some written work that my mother had secretly done. I was hoping that she wrote me a letter of life long lessons or advice. Her death when it came was quick but knowing the diagnosis was there a little bit of denial, I will never know.

My only regret was never speaking candidly about a future without her. I am constantly second guessing myself and wondering what my mom would say or do.

Lesson learned; talked to you loved ones before it’s too late...